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Every woman I know has done it, that impulse buy. This dress leapt out and snagged me, it really did! I was on my way to the checkout when it latched on to the edge of my cart and just sort of fell in.

I didn’t have time to go back and fit it. I loved the colors, soft peach and blue, funky low low back with strips of fabric crossing in the waistline creating two more small openings below the waist. I checked the size – medium. Oh well I could always return it.

Once home, I tried it on. The fabric was soft and slinky and hugged to my body and yes, showed every curve and roll and lump and bump, courtesy of cotton bikini underwear. Oh yes, and bra across the plunging open back.

It was pretty and the Captain liked it. But that panty-line! I can do the bra-less bit (remember I’m a product of the sixties and the hippie-era) but going commando?

At my age? I don’t think so.

The search was on. I swore many many years ago, after spending a tortuous evening in a Body Enhancer, (euphemism for medieval chastity belt) guaranteed to make me a size smaller in order to wear one of my daughter’s ball gowns, that I would never ever again constrict my intestines.

Tuesday barre class and we are all in spandex and tights and leotards and I mention my predicament. Ahhh – commiserating looks, heads shaking and apparently what I needed was a Spanx.

“What’s a Spanx?” I asked.  Explanations followed. I cringed, calling the black and silver ball gown to mind. Reassurances followed, this is much gentler.

Off to T.J.Max I went and grabbed the first sales lady that didn’t look as if she would laugh at me. Directions to the right aisle followed. And what size did she think I would be? (I loathe fitting underwear!) “Small,” she said. Hmmm.

Home I went, three styles of Spanx in my bag. Spanx #1 on, intestines not complaining, love handles more or less under control, well woot-woot! But then I turned for a back view and ah hell! Those cute little openings below the waist line were covered in flesh-colored Spanx.

Okay, try on Style #2 – a bikini Spanx; bulges reappear. Try on Style #3 – a thong Spanx; pain in the butt plus bulges.

Did I return the dress? Of course not. It’s hanging in my closet until I find a solution or the courage to go commando.

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